presence

06-04-2023

The movement of the trees in the mornings’ breeze is captivating

Finally, my mind stops running around telling me what I should do.

A worrisome mind is not something I can make disappear.

I can, however, believe I am more than the internal conversation.

I can learn to trust my feelings, they can lead me as well.

Peace and serenity are attainable, but words alone won’t get me there.

Peace and serenity are not thoughts, they are feelings.

Connected to nature is where we can be most at peace,

And in this moment is the only time we can be serene.

Taking time to learn, taking time to practice, discovering that this-

Very place and this very moment is my perfect home.

After a while our moment of connection passes.

We are working people, and we return to our commitments,

And our responsibility.

Returning to our work, no longer overvaluing our importance-

A little less power driven, a little less needy.

Having learned how to be present to myself,

I can be more present to others.

I am starting to see how my need to oppose is fading,

My desire for connection is growing.

This moment-This place-This life-These people.

5-21-23

Called again to listen, called again to hear,

Called again to take a risk,

Dive into the depth of my own fear.

My thoughts at this moment will not play a part,

Action is what’s required and the willingness to start.

Passing through the land of doubt,

Into experience and trust.

Again discovering the joy of freedom

Hidden beneath fears disappearing crust.

Learning again what I’ve already learned

So many times before.

Fear is not the wall it was, today fear is the door.

5-11-23

Blue sky, golden sun, calm breeze, cool temperatures,

These are the mornings people call glorious, they all seem pretty

Glorious to me.

I must stop periodically, to know myself.

It has taken me all this time to find out what I already knew.

Forgiveness is not an act, forgiveness is not a choice,

Forgiveness is a lifestyle.

To accept that life is not happening to me,

Life is happening and I get to be a part of it, somewhere off-center.

The birds too teach me, what I already knew, there is nothing to

Oppose, there is nothing to resist, there is only what’s now.

I should know what needs to change, and what needs to remain-

I should know that about myself.

LZ Lowboy, 1969

Looking into those lifeless eyes, I was about to say, I will pray for you.

I had almost forgot that I stopped believing in God, and started

believing in the mortal sin that this war was, so I said I will remember you,

And have needed to die ever since.

I was with him, but he died alone.

We live together, but we all die alone.

Embrace your sadness, it is how we heal.

5-8-23

After reading Atlas of the Heart, By Brene Brown.

My shame and humiliation have never been closer. I feel completely connected to them.

I am surprised by how the pain of my childhood demands attention. I see too how all of

the so called negative emotions, anger, fear, depression, how addiction and much of the

violence, are about just one thing, hurt feelings. I see too how I chose depression as my

way to cope, because my anger was just getting me beat up. It wasn’t the pain that was

so bad, it was the humiliation. I have had these awarenesses for a long time, I thought I

was getting over them, but I see that is not true. They are becoming clearer, closer, I must

know them better. I think I should learn how to live with people without the fear of being

overwhelmed by shame and humiliation. I don’t know where this goes, where this ends up

or how. I do know that being at peace with myself is more important than being liked or

accepted by others. I also know that I am grateful for all of it, and all of them, including

those who think I am full of s__t. In nature there is night and day, butterflies and rattlesnakes

birth and death, but there is no right and wrong. Let me love my place, let me love my time,

“let me feel my pain, less I pass it on” (her words), and let me love us.

5-6-2023

I’ve lived this life longer than I thought I would.

The solutions that used to work, today don’t do any good.

I think I am better off with being unsure,

Than with forcing yesterday’s solutions to forever endure.

And maybe I will keep believing in myself, and believing in you.

And together find acceptance with all the changes so new.

And when it comes time to part, as all friends do.

I will keep you in my heart, grateful, for when together we grew.

04-23-2023

Another day, and I am faced with emptiness.

Always hoping for inspiration, but now I am coming to see-

My day should begin with emptiness.

The day is new and so am I.

I can see things with a new understanding, and a new appreciation.

Yesterdays rain is todays blessing.

Today when chaos and reaction arrive, let me remember-

The calming presence of the natural world.

Although I will always carry myself and my past,

I can meet this day a little lighter,

A little less encumbered by past struggles.

Having learned less is more, and reduction is progress-

Let me leave behind my need to prove myself, my need to accomplish.

Believing in the next step, being at peace with whatever the moment brings.

4-20-23

The nights’ rain has passed, coming now to the moment.

The silence of the after storm.

The stillness on the surface, the explosion of life and activity beneath.

There is so much I don’t see, so much I don’t know.

Explanations always seem so dull and disappointing.

To stand back and be amazed at how everything works.

Breathing is all that is required of me.

To see that creation is not an event,

Creation is eternally becoming.

With and without eternally becoming.

Grateful for my inability to understand the wisdom of the natural world.

Grateful for my faith in The Great Mystery.

4-16-23

Another day, another chance to glimpse eternity.

Let me set aside the unimportant.

Let me take a moment for learning.

That I may learn how to grow from the trees,

How to move from the clouds,

How to light the dark from stars,

Patience from plants, acceptance from animals,

Wonder from children, courage from the struggling,

Faith from those who smile,

Wisdom from those who smile,

Love from those who smile.

Let my words go unspoken, let me remember to smile.

3-31-23

In my meditation this morning, I saw how it is becoming clearer to me.

My shame and depression are necessary counterweights to my self righteousness.

Pride is still a larger problem that controls me unconsciously, beneath awareness.

As my awareness and honesty grows, pride will loose some of its’ power.

As there is less to be right about, and less to be proud of, there is less to be-

Depressed about and less to be ashamed of.

Just like fear, pride will be a part of my personality.

Like the scared child is a part of me, he does not control me.

Pride has its’ place, but to achieve balance, I must be aware of the source when it speaks.

Learning to live with fear, learning to live with pride, learning to live with myself,

Learning to live with each other.