presence

7-6-26

I remember the night. I was fifteen years old, in my usual lost mental state.

I had just walked out on a Christian Youth Group. They wanted nothing to do with my desire to get

involved with the Civil Rights Movement in Chicago, this was around 1965. As I walked east on

Altgeld Ave., I came to the alley between Ridgeway and Lawndale, I threw my youth group book as far

down the alley as I could. For some reason I looked up, I saw the moving clouds open, a full moon appeared

in the opening. I stayed standing there until the quickly moving clouds covered the moon again. I don’t know

why, but for the first time in my life that moment … I felt I have been given permission to be here.

I have not walked a straight and narrow path, and have been lost more often than not. Never really felt in touch,

in tune, or in balance. I have however, felt moments of one. I am grateful that I have been given permission to be

here. Grateful too, that although not alone, I am able to be alone. I guess I feel like I have always been alone, even

with the love of family and friends. Maybe our love is shared, but our life is our own, and must be so.

6-13-26

Maybe I never got it, because there was nothing to get.

Just finishing up , just walking away,

I stop seeking tomorrow at the cost of today.

I stop sharing my struggles, hoping to build community,

Thinking others want to share as well, if given opportunity.

Relationships have never become what I hoped they would,

But by breaking my heart they have done me the most good.

So I retreat now back to my cave,

The wounded animal, no regrets for what was lost or what I gave.

And when it”s all said and done what I’ve found in the end,

Is I wish I would have learned sooner to be my own best friend.

Feeling humbled, less obsessive, being an observer, it is where I belong.

I watch as a single crow flies by, east to west, chatting as he goes, he is visible for a long time.

A large formation of geese, very high, traversing south to north, soon out of sight.

A rare surprise this morning, two coyotes cross the field in front of me,

Side by side about forty feet apart, they match each others stride, their communication

needs no language.

People too pass by, dog walkers and runners, I avoid eye contact, looking down writing,

but I sense their suspicion, and it is understandable.

I am a troubled soul, not easily hidden.

It’s just that this spot is such a home for me, a rare place in this area because the endless sky

is visible here, a gift unrealized by most, no buildings, lights or wires to interrupt.

The empty sky helps me empty my thoughts, mostly useless clutter, they are me and they are not me.

Being undefined is liberating.

Thank you sky, soon I will be grounded again, being busy, passing for normal.

5-23-26

This morning I arrived at the park as a strong rainstorm was just starting.

Now a short time has passed and I get to compose myself in the peace of the afterstorm.

My inner turmoil will not end, but its’ power is always stalled by the natural world.

People nowhere to be found, birds and small animals very busy.

The trees dance in the breeze, they were strengthened by storms and droughts.

There is a message here:

Believe in simplicity, trust that opportunity will always come.

Waiting for the rain to start or for it to end, it always will.

Every reality becomes a faded memory.

Stepping back and seeing the big picture will keep me in balance.

5-17-26

What does it take to be an American?

Now we no longer believe in the dream, we choose to believe in the lie.

It is so much easier this way, our greatness guaranteed, nothing left to achieve.

Nothing is required of me, just smiling complicity.

Never ever look behind the curtain, the great and powerful oz has spoken.

He alone can define truth.

Not just the American savior, the prince of heaven, the keeper of righteousness.

We are the fortunate ones : Let the children be damned.

5-17-26

As some pray to the god of the east, let me pray to the god of the west.

As some seek the road to connection, in solitude let me find my rest.

As some find peace in the comforts of home, let me set out again to wander the woods alone.

As some run endlessly from the darkness of the past,

let me embrace my darkest memories, that the experience may last.

As some believe in logic or churches built on rocks,

let me hold to my breath, and embrace the paradox.

Let my seeking be endless, and not lead to discovery,

Let my heart be my home as I share a wink with the great mystery.

4-30-26

Today I am realizing how much I don’t know, but also “the so important knowing” matters less.

Knowing what I do not know is believing, believing with uncertainty, but believing in what?

What do I believe in? I believe in more, more than this, more than material existence.

I have no need to believe in any specific person place or thing, sacred word or words.

I experience feelings, they teach me, I feel them come and go.

I don’t know if they are good or bad, I do know they leave me less peaceful or more so.

I trust the experience, but with more curiosity, than certainty. I want to experience more.

I believe that peace is our destiny and can only be achieved by equality and justice for all the living.

I am very aware of the capacity for evil, whether from the barren mountain of self-rightousnesss,

Or the dismal swamp of desire. As I know my fear, I must also know my courage.

I will not be subject to the will of others, I will hold to a faith in the destiny that is universal,

And still being discovered. Not a destiny that is claimed as absolute truth by anyone.

I am learning there is much that I don’t know, also much that I don’t believe.

I hope I never stop being amazed by what I don’t know, or discovering what I don’t believe.

God bless the travelers.

4-21-26

Over time it gets easier, life I mean.

Its not that things change – they do and they don’t.

It’s that I’ve changed.

I could not change myself, I had to allow time to do its’ work

I have to show up and I have to pay attention.

Believing that I belong, a part of the Great Mystery.

As I look back, you should do everything: but maybe not for too long.

4-12-26

Although hoping for still waters, my hope will not matter now.

I must accept the reality of storms, as I do still waters.

Another opportunity to learn : I always have a choice.

There is nothing to win, nothing gained or lost.

Only the choice.

Do I choose to live peacefully in a chaotic world,

Or do I turn away from peace to engage the chaos.

There are not always right and wrong answers, only consequences.

Consequences which are usually out of my control.

Choosing peace is not always the right answer, when chaos is unjustly imposed.

And although engaging chaos is often futile, experience has taught me,

To fear, avoid, or deny chaos is shameful to my character.

4-5-26

Thinking about how many times I have been so busy creating busyness, I pass by the gifts of the moment.

While on my early morning walk today, I heard an owl.

Unsure of where the sound was coming from, I scanned the barren trees, but I saw nothing.

As I walked further, I heard him gain, this time easy to see, resting atop a telephone pole.

We observed each other for a minute or so, not wanting to intrude longer, I took my leave

A quiet moment of shared time and space with creation.

I pray that today I will remember, the ordinary is extraordinary,

And the less busyness I create, the more special the moment becomes.

3-29-26

This morning I arrive at the park, and I find my place.

This is not my land, this land belongs to trees, to robins and squirrels, and I get to be here.

How wonderful to breathe ordinary air, in ordinary places.

How fortunate to become a free man, owning nothing, owned by nothing.

The shackles imposed on me by memory and judgement are falling away.

Some placed on me by others, some self-imposed, to realize it does not matter.

To see that my own inner darkness was my greatest teacher, now becoming unnecessary.

To believe that my own inner light is always present and always changing.

Like blue sky and clouds co-existing.

Our light is not lost by changes, co-existing with a changing world.