presence

6-18-2023

So grateful to be here now.

Alone again.

Alone with my tree.

We are both old and showing wear.

We are still able to contribute to the beauty of the moment.

On a windless day her stillness inspires me.

We are perfectly different, perfectly the same.

She is teaching me how to be unremarkable.

She is teaching me death with dignity.

She does not fight for survival.

She sees her replacements growing beside her.

Her empty branches allow them more light, more moisture.

No hatred for cars or people, for insects or drought.

Through her silent living she has contributed to peace on earth.

Amen.

6-15-2023

There is a sadness to this day,

I feel like so many things are ending-

So many things are ending.

I pause for the moment.

When you are young nothing ends, everything changes.

When you are old many things end.

Medicine and Social Workers resist this reality-

But I want to be at peace with it.

I want to embrace the sadness I feel.

May I never stop being grateful for my tears-

They have opened my heart, if not always my mind,

To acceptance.

It is in the passing of time that the beauty of life is revealed.

Understanding now, the less I try to hold-

The more beautiful life becomes.

6-12-2023

And now I realize my fatherhood is leaving me.

I feel frightened of losing my role, my purpose, my definition.

I hold my title, but my necessity is over.

I am still loved, occasionally thought of, but no longer of much importance.

Soon enough I will even be thought of as a burden.

The seeds I have sown, knowingly or not, in my children have taken root, and grown.

I am without judgement, they are seeds of fear, seeds of love,

Seeds of peace, seeds of conflict.

My children will discover themselves in spite of my interference in their life.

Again, I realize, I can make nothing better for them,

My great sorrow is for how I made things worse.

My wish for them, is to see their own light, separate from any other,

And to be that perfect glow.

06-04-2023

The movement of the trees in the mornings’ breeze is captivating

Finally, my mind stops running around telling me what I should do.

A worrisome mind is not something I can make disappear.

I can, however, believe I am more than the internal conversation.

I can learn to trust my feelings, they can lead me as well.

Peace and serenity are attainable, but words alone won’t get me there.

Peace and serenity are not thoughts, they are feelings.

Connected to nature is where we can be most at peace,

And in this moment is the only time we can be serene.

Taking time to learn, taking time to practice, discovering that this-

Very place and this very moment is my perfect home.

After a while our moment of connection passes.

We are working people, and we return to our commitments,

And our responsibility.

Returning to our work, no longer overvaluing our importance-

A little less power driven, a little less needy.

Having learned how to be present to myself,

I can be more present to others.

I am starting to see how my need to oppose is fading,

My desire for connection is growing.

This moment-This place-This life-These people.

5-21-23

Called again to listen, called again to hear,

Called again to take a risk,

Dive into the depth of my own fear.

My thoughts at this moment will not play a part,

Action is what’s required and the willingness to start.

Passing through the land of doubt,

Into experience and trust.

Again discovering the joy of freedom

Hidden beneath fears disappearing crust.

Learning again what I’ve already learned

So many times before.

Fear is not the wall it was, today fear is the door.

5-11-23

Blue sky, golden sun, calm breeze, cool temperatures,

These are the mornings people call glorious, they all seem pretty

Glorious to me.

I must stop periodically, to know myself.

It has taken me all this time to find out what I already knew.

Forgiveness is not an act, forgiveness is not a choice,

Forgiveness is a lifestyle.

To accept that life is not happening to me,

Life is happening and I get to be a part of it, somewhere off-center.

The birds too teach me, what I already knew, there is nothing to

Oppose, there is nothing to resist, there is only what’s now.

I should know what needs to change, and what needs to remain-

I should know that about myself.

LZ Lowboy, 1969

Looking into those lifeless eyes, I was about to say, I will pray for you.

I had almost forgot that I stopped believing in God, and started

believing in the mortal sin that this war was, so I said I will remember you,

And have needed to die ever since.

I was with him, but he died alone.

We live together, but we all die alone.

Embrace your sadness, it is how we heal.

5-8-23

After reading Atlas of the Heart, By Brene Brown.

My shame and humiliation have never been closer. I feel completely connected to them.

I am surprised by how the pain of my childhood demands attention. I see too how all of

the so called negative emotions, anger, fear, depression, how addiction and much of the

violence, are about just one thing, hurt feelings. I see too how I chose depression as my

way to cope, because my anger was just getting me beat up. It wasn’t the pain that was

so bad, it was the humiliation. I have had these awarenesses for a long time, I thought I

was getting over them, but I see that is not true. They are becoming clearer, closer, I must

know them better. I think I should learn how to live with people without the fear of being

overwhelmed by shame and humiliation. I don’t know where this goes, where this ends up

or how. I do know that being at peace with myself is more important than being liked or

accepted by others. I also know that I am grateful for all of it, and all of them, including

those who think I am full of s__t. In nature there is night and day, butterflies and rattlesnakes

birth and death, but there is no right and wrong. Let me love my place, let me love my time,

“let me feel my pain, less I pass it on” (her words), and let me love us.

5-6-2023

I’ve lived this life longer than I thought I would.

The solutions that used to work, today don’t do any good.

I think I am better off with being unsure,

Than with forcing yesterday’s solutions to forever endure.

And maybe I will keep believing in myself, and believing in you.

And together find acceptance with all the changes so new.

And when it comes time to part, as all friends do.

I will keep you in my heart, grateful, for when together we grew.

04-23-2023

Another day, and I am faced with emptiness.

Always hoping for inspiration, but now I am coming to see-

My day should begin with emptiness.

The day is new and so am I.

I can see things with a new understanding, and a new appreciation.

Yesterdays rain is todays blessing.

Today when chaos and reaction arrive, let me remember-

The calming presence of the natural world.

Although I will always carry myself and my past,

I can meet this day a little lighter,

A little less encumbered by past struggles.

Having learned less is more, and reduction is progress-

Let me leave behind my need to prove myself, my need to accomplish.

Believing in the next step, being at peace with whatever the moment brings.