presence

1-12-25

Living with darkness, the always returning need for self-hatred.

Loosing the battle, unable to escape perfectionism.

The judgement, the desire to hold it, the need to not hold it.

The slow crawl back to acceptance,

The destination of now, which I never seem to reach.

Then redemption:

This morning on a predawn walk through the woods, I saw 4 deer.

I felt sorry to disturb them.

The snow makes food scarce, and they had probably found something.

Their lives, their presence put me in my place.

They remind me that I am a creature, no more, no less.

I am a part of nature until nature has no more time for me.

My thoughts, emotions, opinions and judgements are like melting

snowflakes dissolving on the land.

Finding my place, and its right where I belong. Only This.

12-15-24

Low clouds, an atmosphere of stillness today,

I find myself stumbling, loosing myself in judgement and criticism.

Thinking I must be creative, but I find no creativity today.

Nothing comes but my own selfish desire to be more than I am.

Over time again and again I learn how life is not about creating happiness for myself.

Acceptance, presence, and appreciation for all things is how I allow

inner peace to find expression in my life.

It always exists for everyone, only my will for satisfaction can block it.

Peace is as much a part of us, as we are a part of nature.

It is usually subtle, quiet, but never found in material success.

Let me turn to the light in my own heart, when my mind creates more chaos in pleasure seeking.

12-19-24

Let me live my life today, believing that other peoples’ feelings matter.

Let my approval today come from within, let that be the only approval I need.

Let me start my day filled with joy, and end my day with gratitude.

Let me appreciate the lesson I learn from my mistakes today, and the

mistakes of others.

Let my pride and my humility stay in balance today, and may they both be unnoticed.

Let me believe in the big picture today when the moments are confusing, and I have

lost my way.

Let me hold to honesty today, when I am tempted to deceive.

11-29-24

Loving the old familiar places, and discovering new ground.

New ground, open ground, the land.

A vision of the sky and the feel of the earth

The whisper – the roar – the wind

How lucky I am, how can I not be grateful

Once again, I have been reduced, taken down a peg.

I am so much less, I have so much less, I want so much less,

It is so much better

11-26-24

A small crescent moon in a clear sky has made more stars visible this morning.

Stars are like different aspects of people, always there but unseen, hidden,deniable.

Buddha said there are 3 things that cannot remain hidden for long, the sun, the moon,

and the truth.

A truth that I have kept hidden, is my anger.

I learned very early to shut anger down or endure physical punishment.

I learned to hide my anger beneath more acceptable and self destructive anxiety, and

dishonesty.

It worked, the punishment stopped, but I lost the truth.

I don’t think anybody did anything wrong, it’s called civilization.

But now in my harmless, and hopefully wiser old age, it is time to reclaim that aspect of

myself, to let that starlight be seen.

It need not be hurtful, aggressive, or mean to anyone.

It is a burning intensity that is available to me if I see fit.

11-17-24

Coming to terms with recent changes in our country.

Moving past the denial and awfulizing extremes, coming back to balance.

Believing in the big picture.

In the natural world, new growth is the result of natural disaster,

Our country may look different in the future.

I can allow myself time for grief, but not self-pity, I must move on from loss.

My opinions and actions are important to no one but me,

And they are very important to me.

Being true to myself, integrity, and living by my values are primary.

I will not betray myself for the sake of prosperity, or popularity.

My interior life does not need to change to accommodate change in the

exterior world.

I can be at peace with myself in the midst of any storm.

Though my life can be changed, even taken, my soul is my own.

11-12-24

Today I arrive at the park early enough to see the dawn color the clouds.

The muted silvers and pinks, the subtle changes as the moments pass.

After a short time the pinks are gone, only shades of silver remain.

No detectable movement in the clouds, the surface winds calm.

I notice as the day brightens, many trees still hold their color.

I love their subtlety, without sunshine.

The trees without leaves have their attraction too.

Their true form revealed by tiny dark lines against a silver sky.

Grateful today for these times of observation-

For the peaceful moments I have been allowed.

11-5-24

A stormy day, rain and wind will be natures voice today,

and she will be heard.

Let me accept it, enjoy it, appreciate it.

Let me change my plans to accommodate it.

Let me be reduced by the storm,

Let my day be disrupted, my ideas forgotten.

Let me walk outside a little longer,

Let me rest inside a little easier.

Because I am more natural than civilized, let me be

refreshed by the storm.

The natural world is not disrupted by the storm,

The natural world is the storm, let me be too.

11-3-24

Thinking about change, life is always in a state of change,

An important realization, that can save me from unnecessary suffering.

I must remember that things are happening, they are not happening to me.

If I live long, I will have more moments of grace, I will also have more diseases.

That is not good or bad, that is just experience.

There are no gods or demons rewarding, punishing, or mocking me.

There is just nature, and nature is becoming.

I get to witness it, I get to live it.

When I become obsessed with self, I can change my perspective-

I get to be part of this glorious Mystery as it unfolds.

I get to learn that complaining about litterbugs does not make me happy,

Picking up litter does.

10-22-24

Today, the first day of a trip, anxiety and “what ifs” dominate.

It’s been years since I’ve traveled and hiked alone.

Fear of getting lost, while hiking or driving, is the biggest thing.

It is important to realize how much fear is still present in my life.

How it is not shrinking, it is growing.

Let me not be judgmental about it, let me practice acceptance.

I am not here to be perfect, I am here to be honest.

No matter how loud my fear becomes, I can still be present.

It does not have to be obeyed, it is not my master.

Today, let me not focus on my fear of being lost,

Let me change my perception, to appreciation for exploring new

territory.

9-29-24

Today, I feel at peace, no inspiration, no motivation,

Let me be present to this moment, and be grateful.

I notice the clouds as they pass, east to west, they

look like ocean waves rolling- east to west? unusual

in this part of the country.

The geese are very active as well, flying north, again

unusual for this time of year.

A perfectly ordered universe that appears random,

And a random universe that appears perfect.

How wonderful it is just to be, to believe in everything.