5-8-23

After reading Atlas of the Heart, By Brene Brown.

My shame and humiliation have never been closer. I feel completely connected to them.

I am surprised by how the pain of my childhood demands attention. I see too how all of

the so called negative emotions, anger, fear, depression, how addiction and much of the

violence, are about just one thing, hurt feelings. I see too how I chose depression as my

way to cope, because my anger was just getting me beat up. It wasn’t the pain that was

so bad, it was the humiliation. I have had these awarenesses for a long time, I thought I

was getting over them, but I see that is not true. They are becoming clearer, closer, I must

know them better. I think I should learn how to live with people without the fear of being

overwhelmed by shame and humiliation. I don’t know where this goes, where this ends up

or how. I do know that being at peace with myself is more important than being liked or

accepted by others. I also know that I am grateful for all of it, and all of them, including

those who think I am full of s__t. In nature there is night and day, butterflies and rattlesnakes

birth and death, but there is no right and wrong. Let me love my place, let me love my time,

“let me feel my pain, less I pass it on” (her words), and let me love us.